Just Another Brick in the Wall

As I mentioned in a previous post, this blog is primarily for me, but I decided to share this with others who might benefit as an offering to God.  I say an 'offering to God' because I offer it up to Him to let Him do with it what he will. A year ago, my false self would not have had the courage to do this and would have used some false sense of humility as a reason. In the construction of my false self, I created a facade of invulnerability. I did this to protect myself  from the wound of rejection not pride.  I would project the image of a happy-go-lucky guy who always had a smile on his face, but beneath the surface there were many insecurities and fears. One of the outcomes of the contemplative life is that as the Holy Spirit has begun my transformation, the layers of the false self have begun to be peeled back revealing who He intended me to be.  It also means that those defenses I created really don't make sense any more. If I really believe God loves me and is providentially acting on my behalf, then I need to allow Him to take me where He wants, and the defenses I have created get in the way. An illustration might be helpful.  I have always fancied myself as a writer and singer.  This does not mean that I am good at either of these abilities.  However, if I hold back due to fear of rejection then I will never know if these truly were gifts from God, and no one can benefit from them, myself included.  This past week I have done 3 things that were outside my comfort zone.  1. I went to a Centering Prayer(CP) retreat near St. Louis with 56 people I did not know.  2. I auditioned for a choir at my workplace 3. I started this blog.  I can say that God truly blessed me by attending the retreat in ways I still cannot fully understand intellectually.  The jury is still out on the other 2 items, but I will tell you that it does not matter what the outcome of those items are.  If I don't make the choir and no one reads this blog I will continue to trust in my Lord and Savior, because I am confident of his love for me.  As I continue to spend time in CP, God has begun to deconstruct the wall I built brick by brick. As I see the world outside, I see that it really is a place full of pain and suffering as I thought all along, but I also see that there is work that God has called me to.  Work I have neglected in order to protect myself.  Through CP the Father is beginning to show me what it means to participate in the sufferings of Christ.  To open ourselves up to persecution, humiliation and rejection is to be fully human as Christ demonstrated in his humanity. As we suffer though, Christ is there with us. To hide from suffering is to be less than human and ultimately as one without faith in Christ.

Peace be with You,
Adam