Dust in the Wind

I'll have to admit, I really like music, and especially music that has meaningful lyrics.  Music can communicate in ways that mere words cannot.  Dust in the Wind communicates the impermanence of things in a powerful way, especially our tendency to try and hold on to things that are passing, sometimes to our own detriment.  I feel this way about the church I have been part of for over 23 years.  I have seen so many people come and go over that period of time.  Some left and returned after a period of time, some left though we maintained  a relationship, and some left and we never saw them again.  One thing is certain, there is a period of grieving for those who remain. You wonder, why are all these people leaving, and why am I still here? There have been a couple exoduses that were especially painful for me because those who left were very special to me and my family.  But we endured.  I did not want to be a leaver.  I cared for those whom I would leave and did not want to cause them more pain.  But in a way, if I were honest, I think I have resented them because I felt they were part of the reason that people left.  I am not saying that I don't love them, but I haven't always been as loving as I should.
Over the course of the last 7 to 8 years, my spiritual direction has changed. I have been compelled to share my spiritual experiences with the church.  And as dutiful members they have come and listened, but my efforts have never seemed to produce much fruit. Recently I had thought I might try once again to resurrect a spiritual dialogue by starting a book study.  But as I read through the book, I realized that I was really trying to force something on them that they were not ready to accept.  I am not saying that I am spiritually superior to them, just that they are not ready to hear what I have to share.  That is totally OK, but there is a part of me that needs to feel useful.  There may be others that need to hear and are ready to listen.  Maybe that is what Jesus was indicating when he told his disciples to wipe the dust off their feet and go to other towns to share the "good news". At some point you have to fish or cut bait. I am not doing them or myself a favor by staying. Sometimes you have to leave to appreciate what you had, sometimes its just time to leave and make a new start.  Nothing is permanent.  Everything is Dust in the Wind.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

When I was in college this song, by The Clash, was very popular.  "Should I stay or should I go?  If I stay it will be trouble.  If I go it will be double."  I really liked this song and maybe subconsciously I incorporated its message into my life.  Early on, I tended toward the going rather than the staying.  But having a family somewhat necessitated putting down some roots, and I did.  Some 23 years later I seem to be firmly entrenched in the staying mode.  I have been 23 years at the same company, 23 years at the same church, and 20 years in the same house.  The definition of inertia is that a body at rest tends to stay at rest, while a body in motion tends to stay in motion. To overcome inertia you have to apply force. To say that I am stuck at rest would be an understatement.  I am a helpless victim of inertia. This stuckness has consumed my waking thoughts of late.  I have initiated some lame attempts at finding a new job and have visited another church a couple of times but nothing has come of it.  I have firmly come to the conclusion that I should go, but how, and by what force?  Sheer force of will is certainly an option, but there is a crippling fear of making a bad decision.  Lord knows I have made enough bad decisions for a lifetime, and I have my family to consider.  Taking a "leap of faith" seems somewhat irresponsible, but am I just being influenced by what conventional wisdom says? I have known people who took a leap of faith and came out fine. And last Sunday I decided I was going to go to a different church, and I did and felt good about it, but soon afterward I started to second-guess that decision. The other option is waiting for a push.  I must confess that I like this option, but what if the push I am really waiting for is a nudge, and I misinterpret the nudge as a push when it was really indigestion or some hair-brained scheme I came up with.  It has become a psychosis of sorts.  As of right now I have decided to go to the other church despite my misgivings. Changing churches seems like the easiest thing to accomplish and maybe making one choice will facilitate the making of others.  Finally, it seems like fear is my primary hindrance to change.  I desire to live my life in freedom, not fear.  So I am going to move forward.  I'll keep you posted on the progress out of the rut. It may take a while.

Peace,
Adam