A Love Story

The unconditional love of a father was largely missing from my upbringing.  My dad was an alcoholic that had suffered at the hand of a, less than kind, step-father.  My dad's father died when he was 4.  My mom's father died when I was 7. The reason I point this out is that for much of my adult life I could not really comprehend the idea of a loving father, earthly or heavenly. The only example I had was from a man who got very angry when he drank, and that was most of the time.  Unfortunately, I was not smart enough to circumvent the storm, and usually jumped right into the fray. This pattern continued into my married life and resulted in visits to my parents cut short. Though I tried to live out a spiritual life in Christ, it was difficult to view things that happened as discipline instead of punishment. God knew I was not a good person, so he would punish me when I screwed up. That was the pattern I understood from my father.  He would harshly punish me even when the offense was small, to prove a point.  Then he would tell others about it and laugh like it was some great joke.  

I would cry out to God that he might show his love for me.  I just wanted to know that I was loved.  I wish I could say that he responded right away, but he didn't.  More time went by.  Maybe I still wasn't ready to receive His love, I don't know. Nevertheless, I am confident that He was right there with me all the way. When I started centering prayer on October 4, 2011, I tried  to comprehend the idea of a gracious and compassionate father from Isaiah 30:18a. I journaled, "As I am trying to comprehend the idea of a compassionate father, I am reminded of my 7th birthday. We had gone to see my grandfather in the nursing home. He was dying from colon cancer. My grandmother was in the habit of giving the grandchildren a dollar for their birthday. It always seemed like she wished she did not need to do even that.  However, the subject came up of my birthday.  My grandfather turned to my grandmother and told her to give me a dollar.  She exclaimed that she had already given me a dollar.  To this he retorted, 'Give him another dollar!', which she reluctantly did.  I realized in that one statement what it meant to be a gracious, compassionate father." That story is the key that unlocked God's love for me.

This is my conversion story. In many ways not unlike the apostle Paul's on the road to Damascus.  As I pondered the story it was as if I was back there, and that I could see Christ present in that room with a knowing smile on His face.  Unlike Paul's conversion story, I think most of our conversion stories are not so flashy or even interesting to most people. It's almost like you can tell what they are thinking, "What's the big deal!" It's only a big deal to Him and I, and that is what makes it so real.

Peace

The Love of God

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you,

and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.

For the Lord is a God of justice;

blessed are all those who wait for him. Isaiah 30:18

This is not the first post about the love of God on this blog.  However, since this is foundational to what I hope to convey to you, my children, I want to bring it forth again in some kind of systematic approach. So if you have read some of this before, my apologies. Though I was baptized into Christ over 42 years ago, I think my conversion happened in October of 2011. That was when I first embarked on the practice of Centering Prayer.  Annika was preparing to go to Brazil for a year and one of the Brazilian missionaries had sent her a book entitled, "Forty Days to a Closer Walk With God, The Practice of Centering Prayer", by J. David Muyskens.  In and of itself, this shipment may have not have evinced much interest, but as Dietrich was actively pursuing a Buddhist practice I had been searching for a corresponding Christian practice, I took notice.  As I have often said, "The missionary sent it to Annika, but God intended it for me". At the end of my first 20 minute sit, I meditated on the above passage.  As I journaled afterward, as the author suggested, I had the most intense experience of the love of God that I  have ever experienced.  It was as though God had imprinted my mind with a memory from my youth so that he could bring it back at the appropriate moment to make a point.  It was a memory that only he and I could know, and although I had cherished the memory for many years, it was only when God brought it to light in the context of the above passage that I was able to make the connection between that memory and God's love(this is a weak explanation at best).  For much of my life, based on the scriptures, I intellectually knew about God's love, but I did not know it in my heart.  It would be like a lover writing to her beloved whom she had never met, telling him how much she loved him. The beloved knew based on her letters, that she loved him, but he had no certainty of it.  But when they finally met and were in each other's presence, the beloved comprehended the love and his heart was inflamed.  The memory ushered me into God's presence and my heart was inflamed when I realized that he did love me, without regard to how I look or how sinful I was or how generally screwed up that I am. It has also given me a great more deal of clarity to Paul's words, "And now these three remain:  faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love".  But more on that later.

Practice:  Think about memories when you experienced unconditional love.

Peace