The Guilt Trip

There have been great periods of time in my life where guilt paralyzed me.  Self-loathing and feelings of worthlessness were the thoughts that consumed my mind and energies.  Wishing for death and actually praying to God for an end to it all played like a skipping record over and over again in my mind. My sins were constantly before me.  There seemed to be no hope or help to overcome them.  Then the slippery slide into despair would leave me hopeless and far from God.  How could God love me?  I was an utter failure at faith. It seemed as though God would drift away.  Not that I had given up on Him, but He was like the boogie board that was tethered to my ankle by a velcro strap when we vacationed in Maui.  After I crashed and got my wits about me, I would pull on the cord and the board would come and I would try to ride it again.  But the waves were too strong and the surf would slam me back into the sand and I would be separated from the board once again.  I would crash in my faith and I always felt the sensation that God removed himself from me.  There was a tether so I did not become utterly separated from Him, but at times it felt that He was very far away. I thought that God could not keep someone close that committed all the sins that I had.
Then I experienced the love of God.  Centering prayer seemed to be the the conduit by which that realization came.  Once I experienced His unconditional love then I realized that God did not separate himself from me.  It was I that separated myself from him and psychological guilt was the agent.  I have since come to recognize psychological guilt as the tool of the enemy.  Of course we are guilty of sin, just as I have been guilty of speeding on occasion and have had to pay a fine.  Psychological guilt is a sinister contrivance in that it reinforces the notion that we are not good enough, even though God sacrificed his Son to show us otherwise. Of course we are not good enough,  but God continues to love us anyway.  Now if I sin, I run straight back into the arms of God.  He is not surprised by my failure, it is only He that can give success anyway.  I surely cannot do anything that is good or noble or just.  If I do anything it is because of the love of God that lives and acts through me. Now when I screw up, and I do it often, I ask God's forgiveness and I move on.  By doing this I don't allow the enemy to play his guilt trip.